Self love has always been a mystery to me

Perhaps from past tramas I had to experience and see

     Intellectually I know it’s the key

     The blurry reality that can set me free

           How do I let go

           Simply to let the real me show

   Not the mask of indifference

       Or a smoke screen that I don’t care

              The love I have for others with myself I need to share

        If this enigma I cannot solve

        All that’ll happen is I’ll continue to dissolve

            I have a big heart

                I care about you

     But when it comes to myself I just don’t know what to do

       From regret to self hatred I’m desperate to be free

       Daily prayers that one day I will see

To awknowledge that I’m worthy of love

This wisdom I seek can only come from above

    To truly believe that I am a new man

    This the only way I believe that I can

On the surface it sounds so damn easy

When I think of self compassion truly it makes me feel queezy

    This is my journey

         The road that I am on

To find that self love & all self loathing be gone

    Is it possible,  I honestly don’t know

    But what I do know is the past I must let go

          I’m determined to experience this

So no longer self love am I condemned to continue to miss

    Is this possible, I really don’t know

This hope I seek, I guess only time will show

Written by: Justin Ludwig

RawDisciple Ministries's avatar
I write for the purpose of inspiring hope. Everything I write is true with no embellishments. I write not so my voice can be heard, but in the hopes that the Holy Spirit will speak His truth through me. For as long as I can remember I was unhappy. No matter what I would do or what I would experience, nothing ever seemed to take that empty hopeless feeling away. Perhaps this was the reason why I turned to drugs and alcohol at such a young age. I had found my place in this world, and that was tucked away, disconnected and simply trying to escape from how much it hurt to simply be alive. I won’t go into all of the details of how my life fell apart, but my addiction and self destruction cost me everything. Once my wife and kids left me, I made a decision to handle the situation the only way I knew how. I was going to go on one last insane run and just hope that it killed me so I could just be done with all of the sadness. I remember when I made that depressing decision. I said a prayer to a God I didn’t know and I told Him I didn’t expect Him to help me. I knew He felt the same way about me that I did.. that it was my fault and I didn’t deserve saving. I remember thinking, “Who am I to ask for help, I deserve all of this.” The days rolled on, chaos overlapping chaos, until the pain and despair was all that I could see. I had receded into the shadows with no thought of making a change for the better… I had truly given up on myself, and there was nothing stopping me from completing my lifelong run of self destruction. Then one night like every other night I was driving, I looked in my rear view mirror to the twinkling of flashing red and blue lights. I received a 4th DUI which landed me with a felony on top of everything else that was going on in my life. I had no clue, but when that squad car door slammed shut, I had begun down a road that was going to change everything. That felony left me with two choices, I could do a year in state prison or I could go into some program called Teen Challenge. Repeating similar patterns I decided to take the easy way out and go into the program. My plan was to do my time, play the part, and get my felony taken care of and go back to my so called life. A month or so into this year long discipleship I was sitting in a worship service, just scanning my bible, just killing time more than anything else. My eyes focused on a single verse, and I unintentionally muttered it outloud, ““Be still, and know that I am God.” It was such a comforting statement, and I just couldn’t understand why, so I began to pay attention. I began to learn of a God so different from what I had thought I knew. A God not of condemnation, but of neverending love and patience for me, for us. Not disgusted or angry with me, like I once thought. Being a father myself the love of a Father on the divine level really intrigued me and drew me in. Not being able to fathom how much God loves us opened my mind to the infinite. Through that year with everything that I learned I was convinced. This sounds like a strange way of describing it, but I am a skeptical person by nature. The presence of the Holy Spirit was undeniable, but with all of the study, teaching and experience that I was exposed to there showed me that our faith is not a fairy tale, that it’s real. I graduated in 2013 and immediately got plugged into a local church which is my home church today.I joined a small group to get me plugged in, which evolved into me being the facilitator of an ongoing weekly small group so diverse and loving that my faith and love can’t help but continue to grow. In the last three years, God blessed me with the life that I never dared dream. I love to tell my story because looking back is when my faith is strengthened. When I am reminded, that if all of those horrible,….just terrible, painful things didn’t happen to me, I never would have gotten to where I am at today, with each piece of the puzzle fitting perfectly into place. When I recognized that God’s plans are so far beyond anything we can anticipate, understand or predict, we are able to trust that no matter the circumstance... To simply be still, and know that He is God. Written By: Justin Ludwig

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