Faith

Faith

Faith sometimes shaken by life’s commotion

Imperative to remember faith isn’t emotion

      An equally simple and difficult deal

      Especially when overwhelmed with how we feel

             What is heard

                 What is seen

No matter what into His presence we’ll lean

      Every time in the end we will see

The pain or struggle is what had to be  

      With every trial is something learned

      Even if we hate the way things turned

What we want may not be what we need   

Keep a fertile heart so He can plant His seeds

     Always He will refine our soul

Admittedly sometimes with a heavy toll

    Remembering there is always a reason

    For each and every painful season

In the moment there can be such pain

Must ask ourselves in this what can we gain

         Divine directive

                Perhaps a fresh perspective

     At times we simply may not know

     What His Spirit is trying to show

To walk in faith with Him above

Our main objective must be to love

  

Written by: Justin Ludwig

Hope

Hope

     I’ve walked so aimlessly through life

A heart filled with love but producing strife

         It was never my intention

  To be a man of such internal contention

              Peace and rage

                 Love and hate

       Can’t allow this battle to be my fate

As of now I must choose a path

The direction contrary to self imposed wrath

        To stew in all the evil done

        Feels identical to nibbling on a gun

In that choice there is no hope

I’m tired of being on that downward slope

Further and faster down it went

Finally hit the point where I’m just spent

       Deciding that it can’t go on

           Already all I love is gone

It doesn’t have to be for good

Finally this I understood

         Unfortunately I can’t go back

            But I can start on the right track

       Each decision

            Every choice made

                 Slowly hopelessness will fade

Never again to be who I became

Final conclusion, I’m over that game

      Now I know what I must do

       With His help I can be brand new

Written by: Justin Ludwig

My Reality

My Reality

Facing our past can be rough

My reason for running is unresolved stuff

        I can’t do that anymore

   Lest I find myself facedown on the floor

I’m exhausted of feeling despair

Changing perspective is helping me to care

        Forced to face my past

     Only way my new found hope will last

           I must let go of what I’ve done

        Simply focusing on that I’m His son

                 I’m not hopeless

                      I’m not lost

    I believe this cause He paid the ultimate cost

        Love, not in words but in how I act

             This right here is a fact

The last few years have been the worst

The reason, I stopped putting others first

      If you want to feel free

           That right there is the key

To love others instead of you

This right here’s what we’re called to do

Written by: Justin Ludwig

Faith in Fear

      Everyday I can’t help but wonder

      Will the day come she forgives my blunders

          Each and every freaking mistake

          So much faith on her it would take

   I don’t even know how it’ll go

        Like the past

             Another chance would I blow?

   I prefer to think not

       If I had one more shot

It’s hard for me to live day by day

What’ll happen tomorrow I really can’t say

    During this period I’ve done no wrong

    Each choice I’ve made I’ve managed to be strong

Is the day coming where I’ll do something dumb?

This looming worry echoes like a sad songs strum

     I can’t live in that fear

Especially now cause I let His Spirit steer

     Every minute we have a choice

           Do what we want

              Or listen to His voice

For me I will continue to choose the latter

In this, fear is extinguished

      His Truth all that matters

Will I ever get my version of gold

I must keep the faith and just let things unfold

Confused Conflict

Confused Conflict

There’s a man who drives himself nuts

He drinks, pushes away & when alone he cuts

          Truth is he doesn’t know why

          All that it costs internally he’ll cry

Confused at why he makes himself hurt

Constantly abandons paradise to live in the dirt

   Across his chest it says he stands alone

  Subconsciously determined based on what his past has shown

     Deep down he knows it’s not what he wants

     Constantly contradicted by his ridiculous stunts

Desperate for peace he much desires freedom

Perplexed why contrary he always chooses Edom

       Always giving up his birth right

      Just for temporary things that’r in sight

          Why can’t he just stop

          At this his mind spins like a top

               It’s not a lack of desire

                  Which inside burns like a fire

It’s something broken yet unknown

He knows this based on what his past life has shown

     Desperately he continues to look

     This malady his entire life it had took

Exhausted of fighting he finally lays down his sword

He dropped to his knees and he turned to the Lord

Written by: Justin Ludwig

Letting Go

Letting Go

So difficult with a mind that always runs

Fueling this spinning, my daughters & sons

      Missing my wife

          Grieving my lost life

    Knowing I gotta let the past go

    All I have is today to let the Spirit flow

Every choice right now alters the outcome

Being vigilant to not do something dumb

       Waves of desperation and fear

   I must push them away and just let God steer

    Releasing my grip from my life’s wheel

    Regardless of how worried or scared I feel

Remind myself right now’s all I got

Focusing on this truth is my one and only shot

    A life of something beautiful and good

    Futily wishing years ago I understood

Accepting what’s done can’t be undone

Brokenly I kneel at the feet of the Son

     I’m lost Lord

         I’m coming unglued

I’m exhausted being such a self destructive dude

    “You’re doing it My child”

        “Continue to let go of a past defiled”

“Never give up on letting go”

“Eventually the dreams you dream in your life I will show”

Written by: Justin Ludwig

Revelation

Revelation

 Not focusing that my life is in ruin

Concentrating on the positive I’m doing

      Nothing monumental or grand

     Every day,each decision learning to be a man

        Shown in action by each choice

        Not empty promises conveyed by my voice

    Doing good, doing right everyday

    Simply enough keeps my chaos at bay

Trying to understand why self destruction held me so tight

    With everyone, but mostly me I would fight

        Such past tramas and pain in tow

        Little by little learning to let those things go

Self imposed shackles that kept me down

Living my life with a somber tattooed frown

          It’s no way to live

               To simply exist

In my life so many beautiful things missed

              The growth of my kids

                  The embrace of my wife

Because of my doing it’s been a miserable life

      Worst part I’ve been given so many blessings

      No matter how good I’d continue my stressing

         Once upon a time I literally had my dream

       It didn’t stop my discontented stream

               I had it all

It didn’t matter, further and further I’d fall

Now that everything is gone I finally see

    It’s because I couldn’t forgive myself

        That’s why I never felt free

Written by: Justin Ludwig

Self Love

Self Love

Self love has always been a mystery to me

Perhaps from past tramas I had to experience and see

     Intellectually I know it’s the key

     The blurry reality that can set me free

           How do I let go

           Simply to let the real me show

   Not the mask of indifference

       Or a smoke screen that I don’t care

              The love I have for others with myself I need to share

        If this enigma I cannot solve

        All that’ll happen is I’ll continue to dissolve

            I have a big heart

                I care about you

     But when it comes to myself I just don’t know what to do

       From regret to self hatred I’m desperate to be free

       Daily prayers that one day I will see

To awknowledge that I’m worthy of love

This wisdom I seek can only come from above

    To truly believe that I am a new man

    This the only way I believe that I can

On the surface it sounds so damn easy

When I think of self compassion truly it makes me feel queezy

    This is my journey

         The road that I am on

To find that self love & all self loathing be gone

    Is it possible,  I honestly don’t know

    But what I do know is the past I must let go

          I’m determined to experience this

So no longer self love am I condemned to continue to miss

    Is this possible, I really don’t know

This hope I seek, I guess only time will show

Written by: Justin Ludwig

My Call

My Call

 Admittedly my life right now is not great

 I must remain grateful for its current state

    Happy for the progression 

    Beats the heck outta painful regression

         The healing is painfully slow

         Accepting that that’s just how it’ll go

     True healing takes time

     Knowing at times it’s sour as a lime

This is the reason I love to write

It fights off the unknown future’s fright

         No matter what may come

         Reminding myself to not do something dumb

             Something impulsive

                  Something destructive

Making each decision something constructive

Always actions of love, even if small

      This is why I’m here

           This is my call

Life’s not about me but serving you

This right here is what I’m called to do

Written by: Justin Ludwig

     

      

Action

Action

    I tried to do it on my own

    Big shock, I ended up completely alone

Intellectually I knew God was with me

My solitude blinded me so His presence I couldn’t see

        I couldn’t hear Him

                 I couldn’t feel Him

    Day by day life became more grim

When we recognize we are in this state

It’s simple, with God set up a date

     Open up His word

          In prayer drop to your knees

In complete vulnerablity say God consume me, please

   He will answer because He loves you

   Turning back to Him is all we must do

        It may not happen in a snap

        But I guarantee you He will bridge the gap

Then to continue to strengthen that bond this is what you MUST do

Simply love the one in front of you

       A kind word

           A sincere smile

Has the power to uplift and give hope to someone who feels so defiled

   So many people feel so alone

When we love in action Holy Spirit is shown

Written by: Justin Ludwig

Realizing Reality

Realizing Reality

     Sometimes the pain seems too great

     Truly coming to terms with your fate

Worst part is we were warned again & again

By those who’ve given up…that we once called our friend

     By no means is this a pity party

     My eye opening reality was just a bit tardy 

          Remembering my life’s calling

          Has stopped my tragic falling

Keeping our eyes fixed on Him

Illuminating a life that became so damn dim

     Remembering so clearly it’s not about me but about you

     All I’m called to do is share my journey and what NOT to do

         Don’t take things for granted 

               Don’t live for selfish desire

      The secret is no secret be inspired by Holy Spirit’s fire

Nothing and noone is willing to wait forever

Don’t be fooled, none of us are that clever 

     To hide our secrets or our shady stuff 

     When we believe that lie believe me life gets freakin rough

           But we mustn’t give up

           Due to a past life that was corrupt

Each passing moment we can turned it all around

This is the reality in my struggles I have found 

Written by: Justin Ludwig

Letting Go

Letting Go

   Progress being made but I’m in a bubble

   Healthy concern, once done can I remain outta trouble

     Gifted with no longer blind to reality

      Last inch of rope seems to have changed my mentality

   Transformation of spirit, body & mind

   A completely new life is my goal to find

Holding on only to my loves & the Lord

These my focal points when I find myself bored

   What I seek; stillness, peace & hope

    Ironically I’ve found in stillness it hard to cope

   Always led myself to chaos & pain

   Constantly remind myself in that what would I gain

      Only more hurt, regret and loss

      Just a matter of time til I pay the ultimate cost

    Recognizing that I am a grown ass man

   On my own two feet is where I must stand

       Determined to follow only His lead

No longer my destructive side can I feed

     Finally decided to live my life

     Learning to navigate my cancerous internal strife

        Sounds simple but it’s hard to let go

             No tomorrow or yesterday

                I just gotta let each day flow

Written by: Justin Ludwig

Self Inflicted Perspective

My time-line doesn’t matter

Recollected flashes

Moments magnified by the entirety

Minimized by the moments

Juvenile jests made clear

FEAR

nothing more

Simplicity complicates Simplicity

to me

You?

don’t know

Suddenly awake

Aware of internal animosity

At me

….always me

Most would disagee

Outward appearance

a fiscade

So cleverly orchestrated

i was my lie

To cope

Sincerely believed

Truth shattered lies

Lies diluted perception of truth

No more

Or…..

Five Minute Eternity

Five Minute Eternity

If you understand, I am sorry for your struggle. You are not alone.

Today I forgot something I remembered.

I recognized a familiar unidentifiable smell that wasn’t there. How can I know that it wasn’t there? Because it is always there in those moments. Random yet countless circumstances, locations, mindsets, substances, no substances, you name it.

A smell in the back of my throat just shy of a taste, ushering in internal anarchy manifested by all consuming terror. A realization, a memory perhaps…In 20 plus years always the same, never identified. Just on the outskirts of my vision. This looming, thing is revealed for a jiffy…to fast to comprehend

Then, absolute horror of literally everything and absolutely nothing at exactly the same time…the silence literally screams.

Nowhere to run, nothing to run from. Completely consumed by a tornado, simply hanging on….then

Silence, stillness, only breath

Dead-end

Dead-end

    Why!?
Seeking that which cannot be found
Numbed to feel
Unintentionally ignorant Exploits of youth dominating my course
Solitude came
Ironic…expected
Always Seeking
Neverending
What I blindly sought til the seeking became what I sought

Screaming silence

noone

tomorrow’s problems seemingly suddenly yesterday’s scars
What happened….

me


Patterns

What do you do when what you want isn’t what you want

     Where do you go when you’ve reached your destination only to find yourself somehow more lost than ever 

    Turned around

    Stumbling through

         Doubting the doubts of doubts

Patterns of a life repeat til now

      feared greater than any nightmare 

Most are their heros

    Others, their own villain 

A monster between it all 

   Between each thought

        Every feeling & action

Plotting & widdling against….against me

Vigilance til over thought floods

Fighting the invisible 

                     the patterns

      the unknown within thar manifests emptiness 

Written by: Justin Ludwig 03/11/22

Passion and Hate

There is a thin line between love and hate….

Love consumes, so does hate

hate festers

Love does also

They both birth joy, fear, hope, safety and protection…..rage.

…..what is the line?

If the mind distorted by hate sees an action as best for the other, then where is the line?

People like me tend to hurt the ones they love, so it isn’t a matter of caring….

What’s the line?

I bet each answer would be different.

I used to believe self sacrifice was the deciding factor…but I’d give my life to take the life of one I hated.

There is a word……a hybrid word that I feel is the only real answer…..passion.

The real question is, what is your passion and why? If we seek that question, perhaps then we will discover the line that is too thin to truly understand alone.

Be blessed and love well my friends

Love Never Fails

​Sometimes I feel like I may disappear….

Lost in the shuffle of the same papers since the fall

Accumulation…..

    gain and accomplishment

     again and again

Lost like a whisper in the wind

  Hypothetical memories torn and tattered 

  Like the faded memories on life support in a wallet

  Love…..

   It carries forward 

     A force that cannot be contained 

by the tangible or even the rational 

      …..it the darkness we cry

     In the darkness it screams 

     Love never fails

Written by: Justin Ludwig 

  

Silent Reminders

The darkness shouts at me
  do you remember?
….you remember
Tick tick tick
  Another day without you
Another day done
  It’s maddening
Time clicks and everyone adjusts
……but i don’t
 Covered by grace
    This stays raw
it’s renewed at every click
… I don’t know how to stop it
Perhaps I don’t want to
 they are mine
   I am theirs
tick tick tick
 I remember in the silence
   

Written by: Justin Ludwig

Shame, Heartbreak and Broken

Where’d she go!?
    choking on my heart
Frantic to remove it
 Where’s that knife?
Wait…
    I believe it’s still in my back

NO RELIEF!!!

….. guilt trips
     Woes me!?…..
          NO!!
       I only blame me, same as you
   Rest easy princess
Still punishing myself
Take solace in my devastation
    Your help isn’t needed
   ……do you hate me so?
 did all the love dissolve away?
      leaving only a spiteful residue
    Though it seems you forgot
         Loyalty
     pain
        ME…..
If change was with ease
   I wouldn’t have lost my All
    I can’t help who I am
    I tried for you….
I failed.         
……   you gotta set me free


Written by: Justin Ludwig sometime between 1999-2012

The Conflict

The conflict of what could have been

Many landmines missed

        many precious moments too

         So much anger

    So much love

   …..what could have been

the picture perfect idea tattered and faded

   Distant but always with me

It’s not her I miss, it’s the idea

      It’s not the idea I miss, It’s them

An outsider in every circle

    I….

 ….what could have been

this isn’t how it’s supposed to be

   this is how it had to be

It breaks my heart

  yet I am blessed

Written by: Justin Ludwig

Choose to Trust 

​A pressure in my chest 

 …the silence 

   It’s what gets me the most

As I blink it all shifts 

   Hopelessness and dread take form

….”this is forever”

To be aware of the lie but under it’s spell can be trying

Choose to trust…..just because 

Written by: Justin Ludwig 

A Father’s Visit

​Anticipation, anxiety, excitement 

  A whirlwind, so fast

….so slow

     It’s not like it was

how could it be

     Love overflowing

  Roaring like a river

Rocks of insecurity, regret and hurt cut the flow

…..the precious moments sting

   They are priceless through

In the blink of an eye

   Silence, distance…..waiting 

The love will always grow 

Written by: Justin Ludwig 

A Father’s Heart

​Awakened by my thoughts

   Thoughts of what’s in store

Do they miss me 

   Do they want me

      …..I can’t wait to hold them

So much to say…

   Ends up in babble

So much love…..

   My thoughts keep me awake

Do they know

   …..I do 

 It’s the little things

A quarter in this time is significant 

…..do they know I long for them

Hours until I see them

….. I am afraid 

   Afraid of them not knowing

Written by: Justin Ludwig 

Shackles of Yesterday 

​ …….selfish

 Consumed by a lifestyle obsession     

         Destroyed my heart

Suddenly 

    Morbid thoughts take hold 

        Futile escaping the pain 

    Indescribable aching of the soul   

                 Freedom

        sorely needed 

                Unlikely 

     Aware previously

                but blinded 

          Contradictions

         Desperate to forget 

   Unwilling 

       Move on!

  Impossible…..

Written by: Justin Ludwig sometime between 1999-2012

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

Echos of Past Sin

​Second hand experiences

  part time leader….

Echos of past sins

  Intensifies with each bounce 

  A blink…..their gone

Eternity in a moment 

…..so many moments

  Wondering 

     Worrying 

         Helpless 

…..reduced to a by standard 

   the love…..

The beauty replaced with pain

      And so the wheels spin

Spinning, spinning, spinning. 

  Intensification with each reverberation

   then a flash…

Echos cease

   Love abounds

        …….Love 

more than words could muster

    A moment captured 

         Treasured

Refusal to blink 

     Don’t blink!

It can’t end!

   then…. 

 Like a flash 

All too familiar tunnels

      Fears

         Aches of the soul

Echos…… constantly reminding

      Love…. forever driving

Written by: Justin Ludwig 

   

Love in the Darkness 

​Drowning in a sea of faces 

      Breathing 

           suffocating

              Merely surviving

  …… to what end!?

 one of a billion helpless souls 

            breath, fear, doomed 

        Resides 

  …….festers to the final breath 

      in the silence I welcome the end 

       My eyes close…..

   they open facing an angel 

    a million questions 

       She smiled

    all answered….

My savior 

    A million more…..

           …those can wait 

                   for I feel

Written by: Justin Ludwig sometime between 1999-2012 (Mel Inspiration #2B)

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

By Grace Alone

​Typical opening

  Laughing

     running

         ……doubt

Typical to the extent of understanding 

typical, becomes branded

   Transformed

Standard to a thumb

  Impressed on my character 

Toeing the line

    ….a flash 

 The dot suddenly in the distance

   Freedom to function 

Functionally dismantling 

Deafening silence…. obstructing the Truth

  Deeper deeper deeper 

Like gazelles 

     Once so free

         Rejoicing in ignorance

Basking in the illusion 

     one by one 

               they fell…..

  Blood stained reality

   Invisible to the sheltered 

     …horrors spoken

Experienced promise

     Monsters 

       …..the whispers 

If you have the ears, you know 

    Bedrock descends

deeper…… deeper 

  Weight is shed

     ….it’s so cold

Starving on only half the story

     Condemned 

          Helpless 

Lost

  Alone

        Confused 

Desperate!!!

  Acceptance…..

deeper and deeper 

      the chasm has no end 

Falling falling falling 

      the depths….

Where deep meets deep

  Sinking

      how far down will I fall 

Down down down 

….. Suddenly 

   Without recognition 

        Down became up! 

I don’t understand…..!

       What!?

            Why!?

                  Me!?

Faster I fall 

  Falling higher 

      Higher and higher

       Blinding light 

Fueling my ascent

Risen from the ashes

  by grace alone 

Written by: Justin Ludwig

That Moment

​Closest comparison 

  memories from my past

Youth nostalgia

    friction giving birth 

      Aware or not

 Reaction unseen 

       But undeniably felt 

Unexpected only once 

    It’s power never diminished

superficially a graze

 A slightest touch

   Creating it

      …..it

 futility but infinitely

       searching for the words

Those searching 

         never find

  The search a waste

         A true waste

   I’m overrun by it

      ……so fragile

       so amazing

Written by: Justin Ludwig sometime between 1999-2012 (Mel Inspired)

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

We’re Blessed, not Failures 

​At the feet of our Hero, we try hard to learn….. But the lessons are lost sometimes….. because we aren’t perfect……. but we’re blessed to know. Know that You are our Savior….. One I don’t deserve.

 I will always follow…. for where else shall I go. You are my Hero…… for You, my heart burns.

Written by: Justin Ludwig 

I Trust So I Wait 

What do I do

  What do I do?

     What! 

Frantic conflict

 Peaceful…… fear

   Terrified, but with hope 

Letting go …..

    I have to do something!

  ……”wait”

      Waiting

Accomplished only by the determined

  Attacks 

      Lies and pain

 Ensured so endured 

Truest test of faith

 …..waiting 

From my core …. I believe 

…. but he pain does not subside 

What do I do!

   Trust

I do, but……..

Written by: Justin Ludwig 

Over Them, I Weep 

​Time is just slipping away….

      Slipping….

Already gone

 In their beds…..where the rain falls often

       Far far away……

    …they grow 

       To my core I weep

I have my hope, but lost my heart 

       I weep….

Shadows of past sins 

  Some never leave

Lessons of vigilance constant

   Always there

 Pain…… sorrow

        I weep

 Sadness over the loss of the present 

       Far far away

Do they know my heart……

 I hope they know

Written by: Justin Ludwig 

Brokenness Inspires Hope

Brokenness is beautiful

Inspires hope

An embedded reluctance within

hiding the weakness in fear

dare I expose my truth?

  ….”no!”

     …”strength”!

 

 Compulsions emerge

Masks

Confidence

Smiles…..

     whitewashed leaders taking point

facades of perfection

Incarcerated in secret walls of shame and sin.

Brokenness is leadership

   Vulnerability

  Everyone is broken…..all alone

……..They must know!

          We are one

……. we struggle

Humility, vulnerability, brokeness

Righteousness, aside from Christ, does not give hope, brokenness does.

 

“But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong”2 Cor 12: 9-11

“Whenever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy. “Ps 28:13

“It is better to be humble in Spirit with the lowly, than to divide the spoil with the proud.” -Ps. 16:19

   “The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit.”Ps34:18

God desired authenticity, not an illusion of righteousness.  No matter what your head tells you, it is OK to hurt,  it is okay to doubt, and it’s  impossible not to fail. Share your trials and shortcomings with enthusiasm and I promise the authenticity of your heart will speak volumes more than playing it off like we got it all together or having all the perfect answers.

Keep your witnessing genuine and your love overflowing and watch the Spirit work! This right here is how we can make a difference in this broken world.

 

Written by: Justin Ludwig

Surrender 

​Greatest Enemy 

             oneself 

      sickening irony 

       Its one in the same 

           the problem 

             the solution 

        infuriating cycle 

               Halt the cycle!

       Reality, what is it

   Unbelievably painful 

         Life’s Deal

    Futile winning

      …… simply procrastinating

Written by: Justin Ludwig sometime between 1999-2012

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

Wandering 

​ Begin journey 

          an eternity ago

    fixed on a destination

          the only oasis  

              years I traveled 

          fixed on a point 

   this point I saw

Every night as slept 

          As I dreamt 

I felt mad 

        …….for it dreamed of me 

it was my purpose 

       To stand in my dream

 Basking in it with my waking eyes

            so I trudged on 

then night came

       I lost my way 

 unaware how

  Faith, dreams Drive

         Unchanged 

               So I continued

         on and on… confused, So long the dream began to change

         …… gone

 til it’s not

Written by: Justin Ludwig sometime between 1999-2012

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

Alone, I am Not

​Unexplainable bond 

    Shared by few 

     Fortunately 

  Appreciated presently 

    Skeptical Still 

  Bond or blood 

     A strong will 

    Suffers undeservingly 

       Wrong or right 

 Alone I’m not 

       Proven failure 

            Repetition  ensues  

 Seeing what is yet unseen 

    Faith 

     Support 

 Forgiveness 

   Deserved?

   …. Not a chance 

            Yet…..

 Remarkably 

 Previously seen in solitude 

       Emerges for some….yet

 Must be understood 

          Support’s the key 

 I hold the key I once shunned 

     A lone drive 

       Long awaited hope 

                Awakens in the depths 

  Differing for all 

          Personally 

   Abandonment of ignorance 

Construction been underway 

     To fill the void 

              Myself 

  …..Unimportant 

            Support never ending

      Awoke a dormant urge 

 A sudden awakening 

            Waste 

  No more 

     Tomorrow is lost 

 Voyage commences instantly 

             Bottom line

        Those never halting 

     Inspire something 

  Unfamiliar situation 

      Alone I’m not 

Written by: Justin Ludwig sometime between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

Demons Within

​open uncertainty

 coarse

         direction?

quite the contrary

  simple outcome

         what!?

bowing to my demons

     ……they’re lurking       

    stagnant and many

thirsting, craving, lusting

   Famished for pain

 Chaos 

Self inflicted annihalation 

  …no reasoning

     motives unclear

delving into the abyss

shall I emerge victorious?

 …..I  am uncertain

Written by: Justin Ludwig sometime between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

Trapped in the Cycle,  Desperate for Freedom 

Disgusted by Surroundings

         Consumed by Ignorance 

 A lusting of self destruction 

  Dominating states of mind 

         Realization is needed!

      Fates intertwined

       ….. Self Annihilation

    Nauseating Irony 

  Flourishing  on Destruction

     The tragedy,  it’s deserved

        as fair as it gets

   destination?

        Quite obvious

  Yet we remaining happily oblivious 

       Once clarity takes hold

            ……. too late

         Tragic 

               Deserved

Written by: Justin Ludwig sometime between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

Lost in Darkness 

​Empty

    she got it 

        like so many

or claimed to

    darkness

        silent to smoke

    ending my life

          methodically

    intricately

…. slowley

the calls stopped

        they call 

    some call

I can’t answer!

    fear

of what?

     Being saved

being loved

    saved from my hell

    how sick

once a child’s boast

    now his cancer

those who know me

  assumptions run rampant

…… yet wrong

I feel it growing

        deep from within

    won’t delve deeper

        wont!!

    those who know, know

Disgusted by Surroundings

         Consumed by Ignorance 

 A lusting of self destruction 

  Dominating states of mind 

         Realization is needed!

      Fates intertwined

       ….. Self Annihilation

    Nauseating Irony 

  Flourishing  on Destruction

     The tragedy,  it’s deserved

        as fair as it gets

   destination?

        Quite obvious

  Yet we remaining happily oblivious 

       Once clarity takes hold

            ……. too late

         Tragic 

               Deserved

  Disgusted by Surroundings

         Consumed by Ignorance 

 A lusting of self destruction 

  Dominating states of mind 

         Realization is needed!

      Fates intertwined

       ….. Self Annihilation

    Nauseating Irony 

  Flourishing  on Destruction

     The tragedy,  it’s deserved

        as fair as it gets

   destination?

        Quite obvious

  Yet we remaining happily oblivious 

       Once clarity takes hold

            ……. too late

         Tragic 

               Deserved

Written by: Justin Ludwig  November 14 2011.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

When Footholds Dominate 

Despair so malignant

          doomed by those I love

        Responsibility
Selfishness infiltrating

           BLITZKRIEG!!!!!!

Inwardly overrunning an already exhausted defense

Breath labored
.. yet collected

Alternative means
merely seeking
..cryptic solace
Slower demise……
I don’t fucking know
I can’t take much…….more

I close my eyes
……waiting for the tide to come in

Wash me away……


Written by: Justin Ludwig  between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14


Drowning in Sin’s Cycle

​Gasping for life

    silent battle

    the dead of the end

         the beginning again

the past screams

    again and again

muted shouts fill life

     self incarceration

        Trapped

Stifling freedom constricts me

    guilt

        Shame

Labels too shallow

    too much to indulge

    simmering it seems

             it seems

    …waiting

        for a cataclysmic event

    but it passed

long long ago … even if yesterday

    tomorrow

        another yesterday


Written by: Justin Ludwig  between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

Lost Love

Where’d she go?

Choking on my heart

           would cut it out

Hand me the knife…..

              ….Wait

I believe it’s still in my back

 guilt trips

Woes me

                 Fuck you

I only blame me

    same as you

Rest easy

         Don’t trip

     Still punishing myself

Don’t need your help

Seriously…..

Why do you hate me so?

did all the love dissolve away ?

Producing a spiteful residue

   If you recall

Though it seems you forgot

      Loyalty

          Love

         pain

           …….ME

If change was with ease

…..I  wouldn’t have lost my one

I can’t help who I am

    I tried for you

I failed.

……   you gotta set me free

 

Written by: Justin Ludwig  between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

Glance back, Gaze Forward 

Gazing, the wreckage

        its entirety       

awestricking   Sickening

  amazing

how much I lost on my journey

    …..to right here

bedrock is nowhere left to hide

      the destruction

      easily avoided

looking back

  helpless

  I’ve…

          ……stopped?

       folding the fight

          all remaining

reality checks

                 never ending

          stifling

humbling

my journey

saved from myself

is just beginning

       if……

  

Written by: Justin Ludwig December 9, 2011.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

Entwined Beauty

A beauty entwined
   So tightly there is no end or start
        I’m drawn to the flame
So bright I lose direction
        blinded most would stop
        I fly faster
         tumbling on all axises
      Faster
  searing pain
        I  do not falter
             faster faster
the heat deteriorating me
      I do not falter
     Within my grasp
             on empty
  Burned, blind and agony
    ….silence
   Darkness
      I wake alone
Pain my certainty
    Pride my solitary emotion
  for my heart I followed
I can’t regret what I’ve done
  because it can’t be undone

Written by: Justin Ludwig  between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

What Happened

Last call
     Heard from the virgin ears of a lush.    
           Tomorrow
   Somehow became today
            what happened?
         Defecation
    on your dreams
       your life
         your goddamn soul
   what happened?
      fuck poetic phrases
          I blew it
   …..now I wallow
        Not in pity
          In hate
            Self despair
        it’s tough, no fronting
    pointing the finger
… it’s always a suicidal finger
     at least…..
           at least
   I punish myself
I blew it
     …all of it

Written by: Justin Ludwig  between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

Running Out of Chances

Running Out of Chances

Soulless

       Soulless!!

           breath
I am dying too slow!!
     …my mind’s going faster….
blap blap
that’s  all I think
Always
               ALWAYS!!
tragedy
I think not
     I had all and every chance
I shit on it
oblivious
self deception
             no more
Mary echos
“you won’t come back one of these times”
It’s terrifying
     Real
          Here
Do I quit
Fuck You, Never

Written by: Justin Ludwig  between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

Constant Review

  Gazing the wreckage
            its entirety      
awestricking      Sickening
   amazing
how much I lost on my journey
        …..to right here
bedrock is nowhere left to hide
          the destruction
          easily avoided
looking back
   helpless
      I’ve…
              ……stopped?
           folding the fight
              all remaining
     reality checks
                     never ending
              stifling
humbling
my journey
saved from myself
is just beginning
if……

  
Written by: Justin Ludwig December 9,2011.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

Consumed

Consumed

Origin of current misery
        Ignorance
Fueled by youth
         curiosity commences
       Enticing  experimentation
Gradual escalation
      Simply dismissed
  Daily procrastination
      Sudden loss of control
             repercussions
               —-
Self isolation and mutilation
  Unimaginable  decimation
       aware yet powerless
       Solution
grasp or release – Dwell or accept
            change or die

Written by: Justin Ludwig  between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

07: Living Merely Memories

07: Living Merely Memories

A time
    A time before this
A distant memory
    no longer reasonable
but a faded memory
they turn slowly
just for an instant
    then vanish
only echoes in my head
how could they
    why would they
wish it away
strange feeling
    ashamed… humbled
despair
0f what some ask   
    my life gone wrong
what I call hell
for my kids
    i must prevail

Written by: Justin Ludwig  between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

:Nothing Unanswered

Nothing Unanswered

        hurts to breathe

to move is worse

             like a victim of a curse

all alone

no way out

            fuck it all I want to die

Problem is my kids would cry

then ask mommy why did daddy die

He was sick, she would sigh

That’s the reason I can’t die

 Written by: Justin Ludwig  between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

Unyieldingly Heartache

: Unyieldingly Heartache

Uncertain

        what’s to come

   paralyzed in the past

               when devil ran rampant

hurt those few

                          the ones I love

…..my eyes  opened just in time to see everything slip away

I’ll never forget……

              they  drove away taking my heart with them

         no one to blame except me……

 

Written by: Justin Ludwig  between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

Blinding Hindsight

: Blinding Hindsight

there was a time I had it all

         now when I think, it makes me bawl

                          I had my dream

              I pissed away

              blind until it was too late

              Now all I have is self hate

              how can this have become my fate

                              she was the one

                               I let her slip

                                slip away

 Frozen in time

          ….. in time I cannot forget the pain

                          that painful day

I had to watch her, drive away

 

Written by: Justin Ludwig  between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

Delayed Sight Highlighting

    Delayed Sight Highlighting

Until it’s too late

           we the few won’t see

           why the things happen to me

All my gems were sold for free

Again And again

              in a frantic search

for those to blame

a flash

             Suddenly all I feel is shame

     confused at first

Now I, we

      the one to blame

              My God….. its me

 

Written by:  Justin Ludwig sometime between 1999-2012

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

 

 

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As soon as I come to
The familiar dance
Heavy  dread
Instant review
The deafening silence
Awakening doubt
So overwhelming
….. I don’t dare cry out
What has changed, besides the day
…… Nothing
it’s just his way
Stirring the pot
Every chance
Every opportunity
Whispering so eerily
“No, He’s not”
You’re kidding yourself
I know who you are
They’ll all go away
I told you…..
so far
The suffocating reminder
The sickening fact
You’re all alone
You might  as well turn back
First chance their given
One screw up you’ll do
Pack up your shit
I can’t deal with you.
Thoughts of these things, and so many more
Consuming my hope
Affecting my core
If I didn’t know better
I’d think it was me
Whispering the lie
Who are you kidding, you’ll never be free
A tear rolls down
Feelings of utter defeat
Until He reminds me, just trust Me
And then you’ll see

Justin Ludwig

 

Photo by: Google Images