Tag: change

Hope

Hope

     I’ve walked so aimlessly through life

A heart filled with love but producing strife

         It was never my intention

  To be a man of such internal contention

              Peace and rage

                 Love and hate

       Can’t allow this battle to be my fate

As of now I must choose a path

The direction contrary to self imposed wrath

        To stew in all the evil done

        Feels identical to nibbling on a gun

In that choice there is no hope

I’m tired of being on that downward slope

Further and faster down it went

Finally hit the point where I’m just spent

       Deciding that it can’t go on

           Already all I love is gone

It doesn’t have to be for good

Finally this I understood

         Unfortunately I can’t go back

            But I can start on the right track

       Each decision

            Every choice made

                 Slowly hopelessness will fade

Never again to be who I became

Final conclusion, I’m over that game

      Now I know what I must do

       With His help I can be brand new

Written by: Justin Ludwig

Freed from Hell

Freed from Hell

      Sobriety is hard

           Drinking is pain

Abstaining from the latter there’s so much to gain

Can’t allow myself to forget how far I fell

I tell you what, it was a living hell

       Could hardly move

            barely eat

    Couldn’t even manage to get on my feet

       Soul crushing depression

      Manifested by unprovoked aggression

Cry to myself that I’m so alone

Obvious to me I’d become my evil clone

          Consumed with me

              Your pain I just couldn’t see

                   I never wanna go back

                       That is the fact

I must remember this when I feel bored

Still better than being ruled by the alcoholic lord

         It consumed my life

            Became my idol

              Useless alcoholic became my title

Now I’m just a guy, a loved son

Not the villain because of things I’d done

Thank You Lord that I’m brand new

This new freedom is all thanks to You

“Therefore if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation. The old has past away and the new has come!” -2 Cor 5:17

           

Letting Go

Letting Go

So difficult with a mind that always runs

Fueling this spinning, my daughters & sons

      Missing my wife

          Grieving my lost life

    Knowing I gotta let the past go

    All I have is today to let the Spirit flow

Every choice right now alters the outcome

Being vigilant to not do something dumb

       Waves of desperation and fear

   I must push them away and just let God steer

    Releasing my grip from my life’s wheel

    Regardless of how worried or scared I feel

Remind myself right now’s all I got

Focusing on this truth is my one and only shot

    A life of something beautiful and good

    Futily wishing years ago I understood

Accepting what’s done can’t be undone

Brokenly I kneel at the feet of the Son

     I’m lost Lord

         I’m coming unglued

I’m exhausted being such a self destructive dude

    “You’re doing it My child”

        “Continue to let go of a past defiled”

“Never give up on letting go”

“Eventually the dreams you dream in your life I will show”

Written by: Justin Ludwig

New Path

New Path

       Reconnection with Keegan

                 It fills my heart

Far too long my illness kept us apart

  Wake up to a text simply saying “good job dad”

   Instantly dissolved me feeling so sad

I’m no fool, I got a long way to go

These random blessings Holy Spirit does show

     “Justin keep on this path”

     “you don’t have to suffer in that brutal aftermath”

     “I can change it all, you just remain willing”

     “I will continue with my Holy Spirit’s filling”

In days prior I was blind, unable to see

That it is possible, He can & will set me free

   Day by day such downs and ups

I just must choose none of those things that corrupts

    My life, mind, body and spirit

    Accepting it’s OK not to know, I don’t need to fear it

    Simply embracing these new connections

Avoiding my sick minds destructive dissections

     Always expecting the worst

     This self fulfilling prophecy has always been my curse

Finally ready to do something new

One foot in front of the other is all I must do

Written by: Justin Ludwig

    

Self Love

Self Love

Self love has always been a mystery to me

Perhaps from past tramas I had to experience and see

     Intellectually I know it’s the key

     The blurry reality that can set me free

           How do I let go

           Simply to let the real me show

   Not the mask of indifference

       Or a smoke screen that I don’t care

              The love I have for others with myself I need to share

        If this enigma I cannot solve

        All that’ll happen is I’ll continue to dissolve

            I have a big heart

                I care about you

     But when it comes to myself I just don’t know what to do

       From regret to self hatred I’m desperate to be free

       Daily prayers that one day I will see

To awknowledge that I’m worthy of love

This wisdom I seek can only come from above

    To truly believe that I am a new man

    This the only way I believe that I can

On the surface it sounds so damn easy

When I think of self compassion truly it makes me feel queezy

    This is my journey

         The road that I am on

To find that self love & all self loathing be gone

    Is it possible,  I honestly don’t know

    But what I do know is the past I must let go

          I’m determined to experience this

So no longer self love am I condemned to continue to miss

    Is this possible, I really don’t know

This hope I seek, I guess only time will show

Written by: Justin Ludwig

Realizing Reality

Realizing Reality

     Sometimes the pain seems too great

     Truly coming to terms with your fate

Worst part is we were warned again & again

By those who’ve given up…that we once called our friend

     By no means is this a pity party

     My eye opening reality was just a bit tardy 

          Remembering my life’s calling

          Has stopped my tragic falling

Keeping our eyes fixed on Him

Illuminating a life that became so damn dim

     Remembering so clearly it’s not about me but about you

     All I’m called to do is share my journey and what NOT to do

         Don’t take things for granted 

               Don’t live for selfish desire

      The secret is no secret be inspired by Holy Spirit’s fire

Nothing and noone is willing to wait forever

Don’t be fooled, none of us are that clever 

     To hide our secrets or our shady stuff 

     When we believe that lie believe me life gets freakin rough

           But we mustn’t give up

           Due to a past life that was corrupt

Each passing moment we can turned it all around

This is the reality in my struggles I have found 

Written by: Justin Ludwig

Letting Go

Letting Go

   Progress being made but I’m in a bubble

   Healthy concern, once done can I remain outta trouble

     Gifted with no longer blind to reality

      Last inch of rope seems to have changed my mentality

   Transformation of spirit, body & mind

   A completely new life is my goal to find

Holding on only to my loves & the Lord

These my focal points when I find myself bored

   What I seek; stillness, peace & hope

    Ironically I’ve found in stillness it hard to cope

   Always led myself to chaos & pain

   Constantly remind myself in that what would I gain

      Only more hurt, regret and loss

      Just a matter of time til I pay the ultimate cost

    Recognizing that I am a grown ass man

   On my own two feet is where I must stand

       Determined to follow only His lead

No longer my destructive side can I feed

     Finally decided to live my life

     Learning to navigate my cancerous internal strife

        Sounds simple but it’s hard to let go

             No tomorrow or yesterday

                I just gotta let each day flow

Written by: Justin Ludwig

Moving Forward

Moving Forward

Remind myself daily I can’t live in the past

This being the cause of my inner peace fast

     Past regrets fueling my self destruction

     The perpetuating fact of lifelong corruption

My mind, relationships and spirit

If I keep my eyes on Him there’s no need to fear it

      Never again do I have to be who I was

      This fact contingent on what the current man does

Seek Him

      Seek peace and love others

      Blessing each one of my sisters and brothers

Thousands of correct choices every single day

Will keep my autopilot of chaos at bay

    To speak Truth but always in love

    Will without words point to and glorify Him who’s above

     This is my mission, my daily life goal

     It won’t only serve others but bless my own soul

In this harsh world, easier said than done

I must be intentional to stay focused on the Son

    Am I able to do this

           I think that I can

    This is my path to remain this new man

Written by: Justin Ludwig

Fresh Start

Fresh Start

       At forty again at square one

       No ones fault because I’ve done what I’ve done

My peace, I refuse to let it dampen

In my desperation I’m making so much happen

   Reestablish RawDisciple & healing my heart

  Not to shabby given I’m back at the start

      Vigilantly working on self restoration

      Amazing what can happen in such desperation

       Remembering in my spirit God’s   personal calling

       To love and bring hope to those that are falling

          Drugs, desperation or booze

         To inspire those on a path that guarantee to lose

Transparently share my trama and pain

Completely vulnerable for someone else’s gain

  This is why my ministry is raw

  Uncensored sharing of everything I saw

Things I’ve done & have been done to me

My only motivation the hope others will see

    Living for oneself is tragic and futile

    A life of self centeredness believe me is brutal

    Such a lonely and empty life

    Daily compounding of internal strife

When we finally see we’re called to help others

Putting ourselves aside to serve our sister and brother

   This right here is what we’re all called to do

   Simply to love the one in front of you

Written by: Justin Ludwig

Gaining Wisdom

Gaining Wisdom

Everyday filled with a trial

Up to me if myself I choose to defile

Every hardship a chance to grow

The mindset that’ll determine where I go

Whether through strength or humility

This discernment gives me the ability

To gain wisdom and mature

This truth I definitely know for sure

When to walk away or stand my ground

This the discernment I have finally found

By no means have I conquered it

But little by little I better handle bullshit

Day by day I continue to grow

my objective, Holy Spirit’s presence to show

That not a soul is too far gone

Every single day is a brand new dawn

A chance to start fresh, to be brand new

With Holy Spirit this is something we ALL can do

Troublesome People

Troublesome People

Fifty but acting twelve

Animosity & drama where he tries to delve

Randomly, but a constant fight

Holding my peace keeping my goals in sight

Insults & chaos where he continues to go

My opportunity to let Holy Spirit flow

Crash course in dealing with bull crap

Conditioning myself to avoid a snap

Once a cancerous pattern of my past

I’m determined to have my progress last

I refuse to regress

Just because of this ridiculous stress

I’m proud of maintaining my peace

Though the instigating just doesn’t cease

If I learn to navigate jerks in this life

How much better I can be for my wife

God allows everything for a reason

Especially in the midst of a difficult season

Practicing by refusing to engage

Every episode the victor over destructive rage

So proud I’ve maintained my peace

With consistency, my past patterns will cease

This progress lagit does excite me

On my way to being who I want to be

Written by: Justin Ludwig

Growth not Regret

Exhausted of living in regret

Past mistakes doesn’t mean my future’s set

All I have is today

This mindset is where I must stay

Letting go of my past

Only way that the hope I have’ll last

Question is how I’ll do this

Letting go of all that I miss

This order seems so damn tall

Given how far I did fall

I must rest in His grace

Staying grateful in this place

How well will it go

This I simply don’t know

This being the place I am in

Growing past a life of sin

Recognizing this’ll take time

Washing off my past grime

Knowing I’ll have help from His Spirit

This is why I refuse to fear it

Written by: Justin Ludwig

Finally

A month of nightmares beyond belief

  Finally praise God a time of relief

A time he finally dares to hope  

Immediately seems to have changed his scope

what will come he does not know

  Finally accepting only time will show

Finally with no determined plan

In the hopes it’ll make the new man

  Who will he be

 I guess only in time we’ll see

  Finally a time of COMPLETE surrender

No longer does he have to be the defender

 Will it work, I do not know

Simply he’ll have to let things flow

 it’s all so darn new to me

  The step by step watching to see

   Finally he feel OK with this

Attempting to block out all that he missed

 in his heart he starts to feel steady

  Finally he feels that he is ready

written by: Justin Ludwig

Patterns

What do you do when what you want isn’t what you want

     Where do you go when you’ve reached your destination only to find yourself somehow more lost than ever 

    Turned around

    Stumbling through

         Doubting the doubts of doubts

Patterns of a life repeat til now

      feared greater than any nightmare 

Most are their heros

    Others, their own villain 

A monster between it all 

   Between each thought

        Every feeling & action

Plotting & widdling against….against me

Vigilance til over thought floods

Fighting the invisible 

                     the patterns

      the unknown within thar manifests emptiness 

Written by: Justin Ludwig 03/11/22

Want to Change a Life?  Here is Your Chance!

Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. I say this proudly and without hesitation to anyone,because He saved me from a living hell. He grabbed ahold of me and changed me…. I truly became a new person. I say it proudly because I am so grateful for what He has done for me, for us.

I write about my faith, my God, and my belief all the time. Right now, I want to put my faith into action and invite you. I want to invite you to make a real difference in this broken world, to affect real change. There are two links below which will take you to two donor letters that I wrote last night. They are for two ministries, one builds homes for the working poor down in Ensenada. I went down there last year and did it, and it was truly amazing, I share about it in the letter. The other ministry is sponsoring children to get their education. They cannot afford to go to school because they are poor, and they are poor because they have no education. It is a tragic cycle and this is also down in Ensenada, the level of poverty is truly heartbreaking.

I am offering you an amazing opportunity to love, in action and change lives. Please click the link and read my letters.

Thank you and God Bless

Baja Educational Initiative. Help End Poverty with Education 

Baja Bound, Building Homes For The Working Poor 

Written by: Justin Ludwig 

Lost Love

Where’d she go?

Choking on my heart

           would cut it out

Hand me the knife…..

              ….Wait

I believe it’s still in my back

 guilt trips

Woes me

                 Fuck you

I only blame me

    same as you

Rest easy

         Don’t trip

     Still punishing myself

Don’t need your help

Seriously…..

Why do you hate me so?

did all the love dissolve away ?

Producing a spiteful residue

   If you recall

Though it seems you forgot

      Loyalty

          Love

         pain

           …….ME

If change was with ease

…..I  wouldn’t have lost my one

I can’t help who I am

    I tried for you

I failed.

……   you gotta set me free

 

Written by: Justin Ludwig  between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

Glance back, Gaze Forward 

Gazing, the wreckage

        its entirety       

awestricking   Sickening

  amazing

how much I lost on my journey

    …..to right here

bedrock is nowhere left to hide

      the destruction

      easily avoided

looking back

  helpless

  I’ve…

          ……stopped?

       folding the fight

          all remaining

reality checks

                 never ending

          stifling

humbling

my journey

saved from myself

is just beginning

       if……

  

Written by: Justin Ludwig December 9, 2011.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

Be Careful What You Wish For

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All I seem to see are kids…..

Parents complaining about never having free time. Parents yelling at their kids cause they are frustrated from the day to day stresses of raising kids. I watch all of this going on around me and my stomach gets tight…..

How long I wished for a break…. So many times I would fantasize,  if I didn’t  have the kids and could have all of my time for me, for a change…

I wake up today knowing I won’t see my kids faces, other than in pictures that just seem to make me feel worse.

I sit here in the silence thinking to myself,  “I am missing it all” ….. it seems like so long ago since I have gotten to live with my kids….6 years!? Is that right?…..

They come, they go….every goodbye harder than the last.

I get to sit and focus on the fact that someone else is raising my kids. Someone else will be instilling something else in my kids, setting them on a path for the rest of their lives….. and here I sit.  Far far away, knowing that just like every other time in my life, I came to my senses after it was too late.

Here I sit, thinking about the selfishness that drove them away in the first place… I never wanted them to leave…… I just wanted me time.

Now I have all the time in the world……to sit in silence and repeat, “Be careful what you wish for, you may just get more than you hoped for.”

Come hell or high water I will always be there for my kids….I just don’t get to be with them….be careful what you wish for.

The silence,  the “peace” is deafening.

Cherish the insanity of parenthood, because whether it be divorce or simply by the course of time they will be gone. And you will sit and think…man I miss the chaos that drove me so nuts.

Learn from me, the peace,and quite sounds like a dream come true….but it’s a trap….. horrible, devastating, and silent.  

Grab your child right now, hold them close and love them with everything you’ve got, before it’s too late.

Written by: Justin Ludwig 05-13-16

Photo from: http://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/photo.goodreads.com/hostedimages/1380393154i/756862._SY540_.jpg